Rearranging my Life

Today was an interesting day. After months and months of complaining about being back in my childhood room after living the life of somewhat freedom in college, I decided to change everything around, clean up and make it feel more like the new me, the post college me and not the 16 year old girl who once cried herself to sleep hoping to understand herself and annoying unstoppable imagination one day. I threw away countless trinkets and trash that once meant something to me and made new space for my "new" self and my new things in my old yet decently sized room.

It was amazing, through the entire process I was feeling melancholy and depressed. Sifting through everything, I thought there was no way in hell that I was going to feel better about this space and this transition of a life that I'm in right now.

Miraculously enough.... after the dust cleared and my room was no longer the tornado that it was in the beginning of the afternoon; I felt a sense of calm, a sense of control and excitement. I sat back in my IKEA office chair, put my feet up and watched Forgetting Sarah Marshell on my abnormally small tv.

And for the first time in about 6 months, I felt free, by myself, in this little space that had trapped me for so many years of my life. I felt satisfied, like I had finally taken control of my life! Now, the Devil Wears Prada is on my tiny tv and I am still as content.

This all may seem like a pointless and strange rambling, but I swear it has a purpose.

Everyone goes through transitions in their life where everything seems to be wrong, where they can't find themselves, and where they want to be at a better place than where they are. But sometimes, where you are in a transition, is exactly where you're supposed to be because to be in a better place requires being content with being in the moment.

I know I always talk about being happy in the moment but maybe thats because its always been something I seem to lose sight of.. Well fortunately, I've seem to found my way back to the present again and I plan on holding on to that for as long as I can.

I Had No Choice

Sweetest to the touch

kindest to the taste

your lovely thoughts

keep my mind a daze

Unbelievable warmth

your laugh I do miss

only days apart

my heart whispers of bliss

My match once lost

found in life a new

I have no choice

but to love you

This ride...

Moving away from one part of your life is challenging. It throws you into a whirlwind of questions and confusion, not knowing if you are going the right or wrong way.

Graduating means diplomas, congratulations and moving into the real world, or back into your parents house. For me, that is one of the most challenging things in the world to do. They are very supportive, helpful, take care of me, give me food, and love me, so why should I feel so out of place? Possibly because I have tasted a bit of freedom and am reluctant to let it go again. I appreciate everything my family gives me but I want more than anything to start a life for myself... Only problem is that my goals and aspirations are a bit lofty when it comes to receiving enough money to be able to afford a place on my own right now.

So this is what life is like? Working feverishly to get what you want? It's exciting, exhilarating, but also boring and redundant. Life is a hypocrite, yet I'm still in love with it.

I need to begin focusing on the little, tiny, minuscule moments that are filled with so much light and happiness that I can't breathe from all the laughter. I need to trust my best friend and boyfriend when he tells me he loves me and that I'll make it though. I need to accept the transition, because let's face it, accepting the transition of life is the fastest way to get to the next mountain top.

In the past I have said life is a roller coaster but I was wrong... Life is a theme park! And you have to go on every single ride, whether or not it makes you sick to your stomach or giggle with excitement. I just happen to be on the teacups at the moment, fun yet disorienting.  At least I'm staring at someone I love across the spinning mess of a backdrop, and he's perfectly in focus, let's focus on that.

Karma's A...

Why is it that when you are fighting with every breath to make your life a successful and fulfilling one, trying to paddle against the normal harsh winds of hard work, that people feel the need to say mean or judgmental things to you just to make you feel like giving up? Especially people whom you once thought that you could trust, that you let into your world, hoping that they would treat you with respect and dignity that you want to show them, but that they clearly do not deserve.

People judge each other so harshly that they cannot possibly see what may truly be going on. They go into situations with preconceived notions and spit in each other’s faces with out even understanding that the person they are spitting at has been the person rooting for them the entire time.

In the world today, we have to work five times as hard to try and get the life that we want, and if you have high goals, then that means you have to work twenty times as hard. So in that case, you think people might cut you a break every once in a while. Nope, if you aren’t around for them every second of every day then that must mean you are blowing them off right? You just don’t care enough to make an appearance in there life because you have SO much time on your hands you just can’t get up off the couch? Wrong. 

What if by chance, the world was a crazy place and everyone had to do what ever they could to possibly have the opportunity to make it and be successful? Oh wait… That is how the world is.

Anyways, my whole ranting and annoying chatter is about to end, but I would like to share a few helpful words to everyone in the world, including myself.

           

BE NICER.

Be kinder, gentler, and more understanding of the people around you because you honestly have absolutely no idea what they are going through and spitting in their face or saying hateful or judgmental words will not only hurt them, but yourself as well.

To quote someone out there, “karma’s a b****,” so if maybe this time, you give someone a break, or ask what might be the reason they are doing what they are doing… You may save yourself some heartache in the future. 

Oil paintings

My glasses relax next to me
Everything begins to blend together
The trees, now oil paintings

The thoughts of you
Always a constant reminder
Words are never enough

I open my mouth to speak
But nothing could surmise the love
I have felt for you
Since the beginning

To Fight for Virtue, is to Fight for Success

Many would say that the values and thoughts of an innocent ten year old are poles apart from the views of a more mature or less naïve human being. As knowledge is gained in life, it would be theorized that morals would change as well. I would have to contend that in my own experience, my values and ideals have not necessarily been broken but have transformed into more advanced plans and dreams. My ten-year-old self would be excited, nervous, and hopeful about my twenty-year-old self because of my great athletic achievements, outlandish ambitions in entertainment, and continued love for the environment. Having a carefree outlook on life she wouldn’t understand how much work was needed to get to where I am now but would be joyful about the end result. She would be understanding of my values and feel I made most of the right decisions, but would also make sure to tell me to enjoy the journey. Thinking as a ten year old may be challenging, but can ultimately help to understand what has always been important and that some ideals can only came with age.

Life is an uphill climb that begins with naivety, freedom, and blind acceptance; but as time continues, it is easy to allow knowledge, pain, and deceit, cloud our original aspirations and principles. It is important to guide our selves in the direction that is true to those young ideals no matter how challenging. For the sole purpose of fulfilling a destiny that an uncorrupted child fantasizes about, it is important to not hide away those old dreams but to build on them. It is essential to develop each and every thought that we once had so that it is possible to create a wonderful and fulfilling life that satisfies the mature and youthful side of the mind. In my own experience, as a young woman of twenty years of age, I am pleased to know that at ten, I would be proud of who I am today because I never let go of who I have always been. I am an athletic, attention-loving, carefree, hippie who knows what she wants but has matured enough to realize that success comes only with hard work and dedication.

Wake up

I woke up today, and realized I was beginning to live my life as a shade. A mirror of myself. It overwhelmed my senses and took hold of my hands, pulling me out of bed and threw me back into the vessel which is my body. Uncomfortable, I allowed myself to become reacquainted with the limits of breathing and feeling. Allow the soothing rhythm of my heart beat to calm my uncontrollable spirit. I wanted nothing more than to fly, become a free soul, floating over the rest of the world, until realizing that I was leaving everyone else, everyone that I cared for in my wake of destruction. You see, a soulless body functions, but is only a mirror, a shadow of what used to be. Nothing but a moving breathing talking impostor. I realized that I may be able to float above everyone in my own fantasies, but I was meant to help those around me. Give them parts of my soul to share and cherish together. I need to be present, together in this world. Not a shattered mess of broken glass. So this morning, when I woke from slumber, I pulled those pieces back together, and even though I need to be reintroduced to the beat of my heart and the sound of my voice, I will at least be me, A whole. And as i step away from the mirror and into the beautiful sun, I see them. Everyone who loves me and who has been waiting for me to regain consciousness once again.